If you're planning a trip to Arizona anytime soon and

a) plan to wear jeans OR

b) have even remotely tanned, brown, or yellow skin in hue OR

c) tend to eat fast foods, drink brightly-colored juice or eat fresh vegetables in leiu of meat products,

You owe it to yourself to call our new travel advisory hotline first to get current detainment conditions:

1-800-958-5068

Make the call. You'll be glad you did.

(And remember to carry your citizenship and immigration papers with you at all times!)